Monday, November 25, 2013

You’ve got the wrong person!

Let me preface by saying… I haven’t felt well for a couple of weeks due to a cold, it was a loooong week in my classroom, and my son’s follow-up appointment for his ADHD/Anxiety is approaching. Anyone of those alone is enough to break me… but all at once… I was shattered.

Friday FINALLY came around… I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. As I was crying, I told God “You’ve got the wrong person!” He must have been mistaken. I am not the one for the job. I can’t handle the stressors of this life. I am not the teacher He needs me to be. I am not the Mom He needs me to be. I can’t continue to fight the fight in either of those roles. I am clearly NOT the one.

I put myself in time-out all weekend long. Saturday at about 5:00pm I finally took care of some personal hygiene issues. I only left the house on Sunday to go to lunch with my boys.

I needed that time to reflect, to just be, to wallow in my depressed state of mind, to wade through the feelings I was feeling… I knew I wasn’t going to live in this state of mind… I just needed to allow myself to feel it and understand it… in order to release it.
What it comes down to is this… God didn’t make the mistake, I did. He called me to those roles through His strength in me. I made the mistake of carrying the burden of those roles on my own shoulders. He was scattering the pieces so that I could see the whole picture and I was scooping them up, one-by-one, and putting them I my pocket. I was squandering the big picture. With the pieces in my pocket, I couldn’t see His plan.

So, I dug the pieces out of my pocket and threw them in the air and said, “Fine, then… You take it! You carry these pieces. You’ve got the wrong person!”

I almost felt God chuckle. That was His intention all along… for Him to carry the burden. Those pieces were never meant to be in my pocket. They were always meant to be scattered around me so that I could see the big picture and shift the pieces into place… but certainly not carry them around.

I picked the pieces up because I took my focus off of God. I got desperate for answers. I thought those pieces were my answers and I grabbed them. I squandered those little pieces until my pockets bulged and I could not carry on… the pieces made it too heavy for me to even function properly. I got sick. I became overwhelmed. I shut down.

 In my time-out weekend… I came to see the big picture. I was making it more about me and less about God. The pieces were mine. The burden was mine. The roles were mine. And, with that equation… YES, I am the wrong person! But, when I switched the equation to making it more about God and less about me… I am the right person because God is within me.

It is Monday now and I am happy to say that I am once again feeling whole. My shattered pieces have been glued back together with God’s grace and mercy. God has the right person… as long as I make it more about God and less about me. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Confession Wednesday

Welcome to Confession Wednesday! I believe that sometimes admitting our behaviors is the first step in correcting them…or laughing at them…either way…here’s what I am confessing to this week:

I am kind of a big deal amongst my friends.  All of my friends are kind of a big deal to me too! No matter where we are in this world, together or separate, we carry with us our “big deal” mentality. Because we are loved by each other… we are free to be ourselves… without excuses… without apologies… just free.

Although I attribute my “big deal” mentality to my group of friends, I am kind of a big deal to God too. He thinks I am something special… something wonderfully made. Because I am loved by Him… I am free to be me… without excuses… without apologies… just free to be who He made me to be.

Even if you don’t have a group of friends to whom you are a “big deal”… you do have God. He thinks you are something special too!

So, here’s my confession for this Wednesday…

We are all kind of a “bid deal” to God! Carry that “big deal” mentality with you no matter where you are in this world! 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Hole in my Heart

I have found a common thread among the women around me… we all reach a point in our lives when we have to come to terms with the fact that we are enough and we are worthy just as we are. We are enough in our flaws. We are worthy in our imperfections. We are perfectly who we are in Christ alone.

There are so many factors that have lead these women (myself included) to come to terms… in our own way… in our different ways. The common factor in reaching this point has been our love lives. It could be through a dissolved marriage, a cheating partner, or a valley in our relationship. I find this incredibility profound because we have all waged our worth on our romantic relationships. We over identified with who we were in that single relationship. We allowed that to define us.

Once that relationship was in danger or dissolved, we found ourselves wondering what our worth was. We found ourselves questioning if we were enough. We found ourselves trying to redefine who we were.

I suppose the root of all of this is… why did we feel our romantic relationship defined us in the first place? 
I’ve been soul searching for this answer… for myself just as much for the women I love. I think I have found my answer and hopefully you’ll feel it is your answer too.

I think that we waged our worth on our romantic relationship, over identified with who we were in that single relationship, and allowed that to define us because that hole was in our heart in the first place. That hole was put there by God and He was the one who was meant to fill it. He wants to fill that hole with His worth, He wants us to identify with who we are through Him, and He wants to define who we are.

Instead of allowing God to fill that hole… we entrusted an imperfect, flawed, human man to fill that hole. This man is incapable to fill the God sized hole we have in our heart. Not because he is a man but because he is a man in a fallen world… imperfect just like we are.

Once we have realized that our men can never fill that hole… we are left with a gaping empty hole in our hearts. We are left grieving. We are left wondering where to turn. Some women turn to another man… thinking that maybe she just didn’t choose the right one in the first place. Some women turn to God… realizing that the hole in her heart is too big for anything in this world. I hope your journey has been the latter.

Maybe we can raise a generation of women who realize at a young age that that hole in their heart can only be filled with God’s love.  Maybe we can save them the pain and the confusion from trying to fill that hole with a romantic relationship. Maybe they never have to feel the emptiness of that hole in the first place.

My relationship with my husband is not perfect. But, it is becoming much better as I realize that I am not defined by that relationship… I am worthy… I am enough… I identify with God’s love. The God sized hole in my heart can only be filled by God. By filling that hole with God’s love…  then, loving my husband… I think I am becoming a better wife.  

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Another Year’s Questions

My 39th birthday came and went. I thought I was doing great with getting another year older. Then, it hit me. I’ve been trying not to over identify with the feelings that are washing over me; yet, there is a hint of truth in them… making it difficult to dismiss those feelings.

The truth being that maybe this is all there really is to this life. Don’t get me wrong… I live a very blessed life and I am fortunate beyond belief. But… what if this is it? What if there isn’t some grand plan for my life? What if the day-to-day struggles and responsibilities are all there really is to life? What if what I am doing today is what I will be doing every day? What if life is all about my perception of the world around me?

I asked myself these questions… and answer them honestly. I came to realize the answers to these questions depended on me. As they depend on each of us. We write our stories.

If this is it… then, “it” will be enough and I will be enough because “it” doesn’t define me. Being God’s child defines me.

If there isn’t some grand plan for my life… then, the plan that does unfold will be my journey and I will own that journey and I will positively impact those whose journey’s cross my journey. That seems grand enough.

If the day-to-day struggles and responsibilities is all there really is to life… then, I will add love, joy, and laughter to the mix to make it enjoyable. I am working everyday to get one more day closer to heaven.
If what I am doing today is what I will be doing every day… then, I will try to do it the best that I can and even better tomorrow. I will leave yesterday where it belongs… in the past. I will accept each new day as a gift.

If life is all about my perception of the world around me… then, I will perceive it to be a beautiful world full of good people who are probably just trying to answer all of these questions themselves. I will perceive the world through love, acceptance, and grace.

With the gift of another year of life, came another year’s questions. I choose to answer this year’s questions with an eternal perspective. How do you answer another year’s questions?